transformation

Very quick thought:

my life, like anyone's, is perpetually in the midst of transformation. Christianity and being a follower of Jesus' heart is to be always striving toward becoming more like Him- and since we are not and never will be perfect beings on this earth, one who seeks the will of God in her life will constantly be learning, tripping, remembering, striving, loving, changing, transforming.

what i have found to be overwhelmingly true at Howard Payne so far is the stunning magnitude of my spiritual growth that is, as of right now, outshining any light that my higher education could aspire to shed.

Moving to Brownwood, I came with this preconceived notion that a tiny podunk town automatically meant that there would be no outlet for passionate, abandoning-all-else, praising, thankful, moving, swirling, loving, wealth-sharing, burden carrying, crying, laughing worship or a church that genuinely functioned like the church in Acts-never forgetting that their possessions mean nothing, always remembering that we are the bride of Christ and are responsible for doing life with each other, enhancing each other's lives with fellowship. But it was wrong to think that and I am happy that I was wrong.

I am involved in a lifegroup on wednesdays that meets in a young couple's house. They make spaghetti for all of the college kids(which we affectionately call "Wen-sghetti") and we DO LIFE and POUR INTO EACH OTHER and HOLD NOTHING BACK and LET OUT HONESTY. We are reading A Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster and it is changing every aspect of my life by shedding light and giving breath to things that I regarded as dark and lifeless, stagnant and not worth my time, antiquated and irrelevant. I have never been more aware of things I have neglected and have since realized that because I have neglected to do those things that we, as Christians, are called and commanded to do- I have been dwelling in the dark kingdom by being closed off to so much LIGHT that pierces through uncertainty, fear, hopelessness, loneliness, pridefulness, loud noisiness of the soul, clutter of the mind, and all around fuzziness that I have and still do experienced many a time in my life.

blessings are falling on my head, slowly running like oil- anointing my life with the peace Jesus gives to me as I learn and listen.

a light on fellowship. one i didn't notice before.

there is a church in the community that only meets on Sunday nights. It's called Nexus Community Church and it's purpose is to provide an opportunity to praise, dig into the word, and have fellowship with one another for those who are not comfortable being in a traditional church service. It isn't that i'm uncomfortable in a traditional service, but i don't think that God called His bride to wear starched dresses and panty hose, sit up straight, and sing strictly out of the hymnal either. The Baptist Student Ministry director's husband is the pastor there so i went to visit last night. I walked in and immediately realized the diversity of the congregation. There were quite a few college students and even several professors but the majority of the group were poverty stricken people. People that i have seen walking on the street or sitting on the porches of government housing.

and it was like my insides finally decided to acknowledge something that i should have known a long time ago, and that is that fellowship is not meant for just me. or just you. or just anyone. its a GIVE and take. doing life with the people in your congregation is not just about getting fed, getting loved on, getting heard, laughing at jokes and feeling the burdens crumble. it IS that- but its also providing that for someone else. being the one that feeds, that loves, that LISTENS, that tells the joke and offers the shoulder or even the arms for someone to collapse into with grief or exhaustion, with an overload of fear or uncertainty. fellowship is both ways.

i can't roam around town saying to myself, "now who is most likely to encourage ME and get ME through the tough times?" i need to be seeking out a place to serve, to find a group of hurting people where the ministry is spread thin and apply myself. i want to be the one that the teenage mother calls when she needs a ride. or the one that the jr. high girls from the government housing love to laugh with. i want to give. i am constantly in prayer that God would plant a servant's heart in me. one that isn't the least bit shaken by an intensely lost life or a completely broken heart hesitant to trust, to confide.

some hours of my day i can feel myself retracting from the lack of stimulus in the town. no coffee shops or vegan restaurants. no lounging areas on campus. i'm definitely experiencing small town shock. but i think i am realizing that throwing myself into fellowship(the GIVE and the receive), digging into the word with a small group, and sacrificing my time and efforts for the less fortunate(the majority of the population in Brownwood) is what is going to be me ultimate reward and solace.

i want to get used to working hard for the kingdom and tasting the burdens of others.

i want to learn to love unconditionally- with eyes untainted by imperfect human judgement.

i want to continue to grow into the shoes of the watchmen of compassion that God has for me. i want to experience pure and true selflessness. i want to be a delightful daughter. a prayer warrior and a tiny child that knows nothing but to give over control.

my existence right now is shining. i have found nourishing fellowship. a group of people who love to serve and love to read the Word for absolute, unbending truth- not for "interpretation". my campus is green and leafy. small and personal. my room is comfortable and secluded.

i have no reason to worry about petty things in my life the nag and nag. i will not let the enemy pick and pick at my focus until my eyes come unglued from my Creator and my Scheduler. the One who holds my plans and speaks peace over them. i need to uncurl my fists and hand him my planner, yield control.

i get so caught up in my sticky notes packed with errands and tasks and things that i need to pay for. the hilarious thing is that i have peace. it came with my eternity package. i just have this tendency to believe that everything to be done has to be done on my watch, by my strength. and then i lose sight and feeling of the peace because i'm so focused on obtaining it on my own.

Jesus is first. He created me for HIMSELF(Colossians 1:16) and He wants me to succeed in HIM.- not try and try and try to succeed on my own. because ultimate success won't happen by worldly means. i was never meant to live outside of His strength. so when i try- why is it always surprising that no good comes of it?

it will be a conscious effort this week to surrender. i need to work on embracing my weakness.

purely calming weather this week. chilly, rainy, dark. i love it.

involved!

back to school after the Labor Day weekend and what a lovely weekend it was- complete with discovering that i'm anemic and leaving my piano book at the house(which is being shipped to me as we speak). So considering my new situation, i am now taking three different herbal vitamins daily(that make me incredibly nauseous) and comprising a list of foods that i'm to give to the cafeteria for them to have ready for me. that's definitely something i'm pray-living through. just asking to be given a supernatural ability to make it through the day- nauseous, exhausted, bruised and all.

i am faring pretty well in all of my classes right now except music theory. it's so difficult to me. it's like trying to become fluent in a foreign language and then learn to..i don't know..rap in the same day or something. it's rough.

a blessing has come through BSM drama. i have no experience. i have no passion for drama. but i went to the opening meeting and i met a great group. i'm pretty stoked about being a part of it this year. this year has no limitations for me, which is why i'm trying things i've never thought about before. like drama, and pottery! there is a ministry called Empty Bowls that the BSM art ministry(which i'm also involved in) is putting on and we make 500 ceramic bowls and then serve soup to people in the bowls. they pay a donation to the charity and keep the bowl. so i'm going to get to try my hand at throwing pottery. riveting. i think this semester will be a chance for me to use a blessing to be a blessing.

a deep breath weekend.

i went home to Weatherford on Friday after our choir retreat. i'm honestly enjoying college but i was desperately wanting to go home for a while. when the retreat was over, i couldn't pack up my things and get on the road fast enough.

i had an awesome dinner with my sister last night when i came in and then we went shopping until fairly late. it feels so good to be home and safe with my dad.

i'm practicing my piano and getting consistently better at it. i think it's really going to help me learn and memorize the notes and intervals on both staffs.

i am trying to learn to quit moving so fast in my head. it's pretty hard. i overthink pretty much everything that i do. and it usually morphs into me doing unnecessary things that just add stress and take away down time in my day. i'm just thankful that the first step is realizing and admitting that weakness and now i'm set up for success.

going to enjoy the next couple of days in town and then head back out to HPU.

Yashab ישב

why would i give an excuse as to why God's promises don't pertain to me? Romans 8:28 Philippians 1:6 1 Corinthians 10:13 Why would i be like Zechariah and say, " i need more proof that you really are doing a good work in my life. because these are the things that i've done in the past. these are the reasons why that couldn't possibly happen for me." ? Why can't i just be like Mary and humbly accept an unfathomable truth that the Most High, the Creator and Sustainer of my life is completing a good work in me- no matter what i have done or been through. no matter how insignificant i seem to be- He has a blueprint for all of my days. Yes, I am in Brownwood,TX. Nothing is familiar. Nothing is urban. But He has "determined the times set for me and the exact places where I should live." Acts 17:26. I am a daughter and my Abba Father will fulfill His promises. God is doing a good work in me. i have to keep remembering that. i have to realize that just because things are disappearing and i have no idea where else to look, my Saviour who died for me, my Rock, my Salvation, my Hope, my Mighty Warrior who fights my battles, is completing a good work in me. there isn't any temptation that i can't overcome, and EVERYTHING in my life that happens, every class, every grade, every good thing, every laugh, every tear, every horrible frustrating situation, every struggle, every overwhelming day- IS WORKING TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD. there is nothing that i can do to foil His plan. His plan is un-foilable. i can't hit a maximum fall down point and He say, "ok this is ridiculous. you're obviously a lost cause." never. He picks me up and we walk together. I abide in Him. It may be that these past couple of harebrained, scattered, where-am-i days are what i needed to learn the value of organized thought processes and peaceful activity. time management and togetherness. a mental start over. a refocusing. regrouping thoughts. sorting out of feelings. as all of these things keep washing over me- losing my wallet, losing important papers, being overwhelmed by classes, missing home- something different happens than what normally happens when i get too worked up. instead of flipping out and trying to overcompensate for my losses and fall downs, i've been slowing down oddly. almost to the point of shutting down. and thoughts come to my head or are given to me, rather. the first time this happened was when i realized that i had several classes that were going to be real challenges, and not all of my books had come in and i missed home and i felt like i knew less than everyone else. and as i was walking back to my dorm i just heard "abide." over and over again. so i went to the dorm and i looked up the word abide. in hebrew the word is 'yashab'- ישב it means to dwell, to remain, to sit. i realized how much of that i wasn't doing. His peace and love song to me needs to be where I dwell always. where i sit and rest the second statement was "your life is a vapor". that was when i lost my wallet. "your life is a vapor." and i started to slow down. it felt like i was moving in some sort of breathable syrup. and then i just thought to myself. if MY life is a vapor, the blink of an eye, then how significant could the fifty bucks in my wallet honestly be? and today- i have lost an envelope of important papers containing my birth certificate and social security. my room is and has been pristinely clean since i moved in. my backpack has nothing in it. i honestly have no idea how it could have left my room. but through all of the classes that i had today and every time something would threaten my collectivity, it would slow me down even more. i would begin to close out into a peace that i couldn't grasp with words. so that is where i am staying. i am abiding in His word. I am sitting at His feet, remaining in Him. because only my High Priest can bring peace where there is no peace and make a way where there is no way.

finding my groove. and groovin it.

I sort of wandered around, flipping out in my head about all of the music classes that i was taking and thinking that i wasn't going to be able to keep my head above water. But i have managed it so far. God has sent a few really rockin people into my life that know what they're doing when it comes to music theory. So last night, we met and did our theory homework while we did our laundry. It was actually very enjoyable. I made this awesome black bean avacado dip and we trucked through that assignment like there was no tomorrow. It was epic.

I am also, miraculously, keeping my side of the dorm pretty dang clean and organized. And you know what? It feels really great. I think i do well in small spaces that i can claim as my own. i just feel more compelled to maintain my area and keep it satisfactory and comfortable. My own little niche. I am going to wal-mart (the only product extensive store in the whole town and probably the county) today to buy to ivy plants for my plant pots that sit by the window on my sweet bookshelf that i got at IKEA. I want my little dorm to feel as much like my ecclectic, colorful home as possible. I'm also trying to brainstorm about some really cute and crafty things that i can do to my dorm room to make it as homey as possible. The walls are still a little too bare. I have an awesome collage of pictures on one side of the wall but i don't really have anything else on the walls. I love it when i have to go out and buy something even though i have to spend money, because it means that i leave the campus and go somewhere decently stimulating.

day two classes- syllabi, yogurt, and new faces

today is the second day of classes and i think that i will be able to keep my head above water. i just have to keep telling myself that. i had a little bit of a freak out glitch yesterday when i realized that i had a ton of music classes that i didn't understand, as well as two core classes..and that HPU isn't camp. i don't get to go home in five days. Romans 8:15 says, "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' " I am holding to that. I am holding to the fact that the spirit I have received is a spirit of sonship, of victory in the One who overcame. i take comfort in the remembrance that my sweet Father has my life in His hands. His fingers don't part and cause me to fall through the cracks. Safe am I.

i haven't been in the Word as much as i need to be. i have to make my time with Him the top of my list- no matter what classes and activities step into the way and communicate a false level of importance that i might put in front of my secret time with Him. that is definitely going to be a staple of the success of my college life- staying focused on why i'm even here. on why i'm taking these classes. on who i'm glorifying with my higher education and my conduct while i'm here. He is my purpose and this education adventure is His doing. He is living in and with me and i i will be a dwelling place for His delight.

seminars and such

the past few days have been an ongoing orientation that feels somewhat like summer camp.. but classes start tomorrow. none of this team chanting and assemblies on traditions and university pride. i printed my schedule today and realized that all THIRTEEN of my classes are confined to two buildings. being a music major, most of my classes are in the music complex. i only have two classes that aren't music related. they are communications and algebra and they are both in the same building. i'm not too hot on either of those subjects.

listening to alot of rick pino and kari jobe lately. the lyrics speak loud of truth and purity. i'm doing my best to surround myself with all kinds of encouragement. even though i attend a baptist university, i was swiftly made aware of the fact that by no means are all of the students here Christians. so i'm choosing to be somewhat guarded and careful about the people i spend lots of time with. one of the reasons God called me here, i can see now, is to use my LOVE INFLUENCE on campus with everyone that i meet because i have no idea of their background or where they stand in their relationship with the Most High. so why would i ever pass up even the smallest of opportunities to shine His light through my actions, speech, compassion, service? i am choosing to step out in faith- meet people, and love on them. i'm good at that.

His provision is so apparent in my life. i live under the shelter of His wings. it is truly grace: a thing that i do not deserve that i was given. it is truly mercy: not getting the wrath that my actions outside of His perfect and free salvation would afford me. it is truly love: that i fall down and lose focus, that i snap, that i often times forget what and WHO i am living for- and yet He loves me with a passionate and ever pursuing love. nothing on this earth is worth my worry. worthy of my praise. i have an eternal destination. the world is my waiting room- but as i wait- I WILL SERVE. I WILL BRING IN THE HARVEST. I WILL BE A WATCHMAN OF COMPASSION.

huggin some floral carpet. basking in chill.

Love influence. I was talking with my roommate today and i thought that's what she said but i actually misheard her. It was just a slurring of words but when i heard it- it just dove into my skin. the miscommunication wasn't a mistake. i wrote it down and i just thought, "that is so true. love influence. sometimes that's the perfect way to explain a situation or a relationship." It's a love influence. my relationship with my dad is a love influence. the way a small group comes together in harmony and unity-love influence. that's one of the ways Jesus chose for me to live and communicate. through love influence. It can be hard to remember that when i get caught up in my social life but i end up sitting back and realizing- its out of LOVE for my Saviour that i live and act the way i do. He gave His love to me- i'm called to share my love influence with others. I have a feeling that will be a big key on campus this year.

i have officially moved into my dorm/cinderblock cell. all o my cutsie things are in place. i have this great collage of my photography of my family on my wall- peppered with paisley wall adhesives. colorful curtains, string lights, tons o pillows.
classes start on tuesday. in other words- my seventeen hours of music major classes,algebra, speech, BSM work, TOMS representative work, and who knows what the flip else starts in two days. i tend to whip out my planner and start overthinking everything: "ok- today i want to get this done on campus, this done off campus. i want to eat lunch with this person, adopt ten dogs, and solve world hunger" and of course i over plan my days because i'm trying to do it alone. my exceedingly wise and beautiful grandma sent me this verse that i will part with-

"Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves but our sufficiency is from God" 2 Corinthians 3:5. that goes along with another struggle i have- acknowledging Him instead of leaning on my own understanding. i love it when He continues to show me scripture regarding something that He's been trying to show me for quite some time. I am still in the process of learning myself and realizing that it takes me several several experiences to realize that the way i handled it was not of Him- even though it didn't crash and burn..
learning myself is an adventure. a worry free one because i know there is someone who already has that under control..has had it under control before my existence was something anyone contemplated.

exactly one week.

I will be moving into my dorm at Howard Payne University in exactly one week. I am a music major and my roommate's name is Carlee Linae Ammons. She seems rad. That is literally all i know and am ready for. Scratch that- i do know one more thing and it happens to be the most important. My King wants me to go here. He told me that this was where He wanted me and then proceeded to pour money all over the situation. That is when i stopped asking questions and began living like a taken-care-of daughter instead of a stumbling vagabond.

This blog will serve as a mode of communication to everyone I am leaving at home and to all of my friends parting ways, a record of events and emotions for future entertainment and reflection, and, more selfishly, a supporter of my mental health.

I'm not one to dwell on grammar and spelling, nor will i always make sense. But i feel the need to open this blog to those who, for some reason or another, have a desire to be informed of the goings on in my life at college. I will be updating quite regularly on the shape that God is molding my life into and my thoughts on the new setting that my life is playing out in.
I honestly love to be alone. Left to think and to let my words flow into somewhat comprehensible ideas. I have a feeling I might get quite a large dose of that awesome solitude. That's when i experience my best, most prolific literary expression- when I am alone and comfortable.
So, until something significant concerning my higher education occurs, may peace dwell in you and yours.