Yashab ישב

why would i give an excuse as to why God's promises don't pertain to me? Romans 8:28 Philippians 1:6 1 Corinthians 10:13 Why would i be like Zechariah and say, " i need more proof that you really are doing a good work in my life. because these are the things that i've done in the past. these are the reasons why that couldn't possibly happen for me." ? Why can't i just be like Mary and humbly accept an unfathomable truth that the Most High, the Creator and Sustainer of my life is completing a good work in me- no matter what i have done or been through. no matter how insignificant i seem to be- He has a blueprint for all of my days. Yes, I am in Brownwood,TX. Nothing is familiar. Nothing is urban. But He has "determined the times set for me and the exact places where I should live." Acts 17:26. I am a daughter and my Abba Father will fulfill His promises. God is doing a good work in me. i have to keep remembering that. i have to realize that just because things are disappearing and i have no idea where else to look, my Saviour who died for me, my Rock, my Salvation, my Hope, my Mighty Warrior who fights my battles, is completing a good work in me. there isn't any temptation that i can't overcome, and EVERYTHING in my life that happens, every class, every grade, every good thing, every laugh, every tear, every horrible frustrating situation, every struggle, every overwhelming day- IS WORKING TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD. there is nothing that i can do to foil His plan. His plan is un-foilable. i can't hit a maximum fall down point and He say, "ok this is ridiculous. you're obviously a lost cause." never. He picks me up and we walk together. I abide in Him. It may be that these past couple of harebrained, scattered, where-am-i days are what i needed to learn the value of organized thought processes and peaceful activity. time management and togetherness. a mental start over. a refocusing. regrouping thoughts. sorting out of feelings. as all of these things keep washing over me- losing my wallet, losing important papers, being overwhelmed by classes, missing home- something different happens than what normally happens when i get too worked up. instead of flipping out and trying to overcompensate for my losses and fall downs, i've been slowing down oddly. almost to the point of shutting down. and thoughts come to my head or are given to me, rather. the first time this happened was when i realized that i had several classes that were going to be real challenges, and not all of my books had come in and i missed home and i felt like i knew less than everyone else. and as i was walking back to my dorm i just heard "abide." over and over again. so i went to the dorm and i looked up the word abide. in hebrew the word is 'yashab'- ישב it means to dwell, to remain, to sit. i realized how much of that i wasn't doing. His peace and love song to me needs to be where I dwell always. where i sit and rest the second statement was "your life is a vapor". that was when i lost my wallet. "your life is a vapor." and i started to slow down. it felt like i was moving in some sort of breathable syrup. and then i just thought to myself. if MY life is a vapor, the blink of an eye, then how significant could the fifty bucks in my wallet honestly be? and today- i have lost an envelope of important papers containing my birth certificate and social security. my room is and has been pristinely clean since i moved in. my backpack has nothing in it. i honestly have no idea how it could have left my room. but through all of the classes that i had today and every time something would threaten my collectivity, it would slow me down even more. i would begin to close out into a peace that i couldn't grasp with words. so that is where i am staying. i am abiding in His word. I am sitting at His feet, remaining in Him. because only my High Priest can bring peace where there is no peace and make a way where there is no way.

finding my groove. and groovin it.

I sort of wandered around, flipping out in my head about all of the music classes that i was taking and thinking that i wasn't going to be able to keep my head above water. But i have managed it so far. God has sent a few really rockin people into my life that know what they're doing when it comes to music theory. So last night, we met and did our theory homework while we did our laundry. It was actually very enjoyable. I made this awesome black bean avacado dip and we trucked through that assignment like there was no tomorrow. It was epic.

I am also, miraculously, keeping my side of the dorm pretty dang clean and organized. And you know what? It feels really great. I think i do well in small spaces that i can claim as my own. i just feel more compelled to maintain my area and keep it satisfactory and comfortable. My own little niche. I am going to wal-mart (the only product extensive store in the whole town and probably the county) today to buy to ivy plants for my plant pots that sit by the window on my sweet bookshelf that i got at IKEA. I want my little dorm to feel as much like my ecclectic, colorful home as possible. I'm also trying to brainstorm about some really cute and crafty things that i can do to my dorm room to make it as homey as possible. The walls are still a little too bare. I have an awesome collage of pictures on one side of the wall but i don't really have anything else on the walls. I love it when i have to go out and buy something even though i have to spend money, because it means that i leave the campus and go somewhere decently stimulating.

day two classes- syllabi, yogurt, and new faces

today is the second day of classes and i think that i will be able to keep my head above water. i just have to keep telling myself that. i had a little bit of a freak out glitch yesterday when i realized that i had a ton of music classes that i didn't understand, as well as two core classes..and that HPU isn't camp. i don't get to go home in five days. Romans 8:15 says, "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' " I am holding to that. I am holding to the fact that the spirit I have received is a spirit of sonship, of victory in the One who overcame. i take comfort in the remembrance that my sweet Father has my life in His hands. His fingers don't part and cause me to fall through the cracks. Safe am I.

i haven't been in the Word as much as i need to be. i have to make my time with Him the top of my list- no matter what classes and activities step into the way and communicate a false level of importance that i might put in front of my secret time with Him. that is definitely going to be a staple of the success of my college life- staying focused on why i'm even here. on why i'm taking these classes. on who i'm glorifying with my higher education and my conduct while i'm here. He is my purpose and this education adventure is His doing. He is living in and with me and i i will be a dwelling place for His delight.

seminars and such

the past few days have been an ongoing orientation that feels somewhat like summer camp.. but classes start tomorrow. none of this team chanting and assemblies on traditions and university pride. i printed my schedule today and realized that all THIRTEEN of my classes are confined to two buildings. being a music major, most of my classes are in the music complex. i only have two classes that aren't music related. they are communications and algebra and they are both in the same building. i'm not too hot on either of those subjects.

listening to alot of rick pino and kari jobe lately. the lyrics speak loud of truth and purity. i'm doing my best to surround myself with all kinds of encouragement. even though i attend a baptist university, i was swiftly made aware of the fact that by no means are all of the students here Christians. so i'm choosing to be somewhat guarded and careful about the people i spend lots of time with. one of the reasons God called me here, i can see now, is to use my LOVE INFLUENCE on campus with everyone that i meet because i have no idea of their background or where they stand in their relationship with the Most High. so why would i ever pass up even the smallest of opportunities to shine His light through my actions, speech, compassion, service? i am choosing to step out in faith- meet people, and love on them. i'm good at that.

His provision is so apparent in my life. i live under the shelter of His wings. it is truly grace: a thing that i do not deserve that i was given. it is truly mercy: not getting the wrath that my actions outside of His perfect and free salvation would afford me. it is truly love: that i fall down and lose focus, that i snap, that i often times forget what and WHO i am living for- and yet He loves me with a passionate and ever pursuing love. nothing on this earth is worth my worry. worthy of my praise. i have an eternal destination. the world is my waiting room- but as i wait- I WILL SERVE. I WILL BRING IN THE HARVEST. I WILL BE A WATCHMAN OF COMPASSION.

huggin some floral carpet. basking in chill.

Love influence. I was talking with my roommate today and i thought that's what she said but i actually misheard her. It was just a slurring of words but when i heard it- it just dove into my skin. the miscommunication wasn't a mistake. i wrote it down and i just thought, "that is so true. love influence. sometimes that's the perfect way to explain a situation or a relationship." It's a love influence. my relationship with my dad is a love influence. the way a small group comes together in harmony and unity-love influence. that's one of the ways Jesus chose for me to live and communicate. through love influence. It can be hard to remember that when i get caught up in my social life but i end up sitting back and realizing- its out of LOVE for my Saviour that i live and act the way i do. He gave His love to me- i'm called to share my love influence with others. I have a feeling that will be a big key on campus this year.

i have officially moved into my dorm/cinderblock cell. all o my cutsie things are in place. i have this great collage of my photography of my family on my wall- peppered with paisley wall adhesives. colorful curtains, string lights, tons o pillows.
classes start on tuesday. in other words- my seventeen hours of music major classes,algebra, speech, BSM work, TOMS representative work, and who knows what the flip else starts in two days. i tend to whip out my planner and start overthinking everything: "ok- today i want to get this done on campus, this done off campus. i want to eat lunch with this person, adopt ten dogs, and solve world hunger" and of course i over plan my days because i'm trying to do it alone. my exceedingly wise and beautiful grandma sent me this verse that i will part with-

"Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves but our sufficiency is from God" 2 Corinthians 3:5. that goes along with another struggle i have- acknowledging Him instead of leaning on my own understanding. i love it when He continues to show me scripture regarding something that He's been trying to show me for quite some time. I am still in the process of learning myself and realizing that it takes me several several experiences to realize that the way i handled it was not of Him- even though it didn't crash and burn..
learning myself is an adventure. a worry free one because i know there is someone who already has that under control..has had it under control before my existence was something anyone contemplated.

exactly one week.

I will be moving into my dorm at Howard Payne University in exactly one week. I am a music major and my roommate's name is Carlee Linae Ammons. She seems rad. That is literally all i know and am ready for. Scratch that- i do know one more thing and it happens to be the most important. My King wants me to go here. He told me that this was where He wanted me and then proceeded to pour money all over the situation. That is when i stopped asking questions and began living like a taken-care-of daughter instead of a stumbling vagabond.

This blog will serve as a mode of communication to everyone I am leaving at home and to all of my friends parting ways, a record of events and emotions for future entertainment and reflection, and, more selfishly, a supporter of my mental health.

I'm not one to dwell on grammar and spelling, nor will i always make sense. But i feel the need to open this blog to those who, for some reason or another, have a desire to be informed of the goings on in my life at college. I will be updating quite regularly on the shape that God is molding my life into and my thoughts on the new setting that my life is playing out in.
I honestly love to be alone. Left to think and to let my words flow into somewhat comprehensible ideas. I have a feeling I might get quite a large dose of that awesome solitude. That's when i experience my best, most prolific literary expression- when I am alone and comfortable.
So, until something significant concerning my higher education occurs, may peace dwell in you and yours.