a light on fellowship. one i didn't notice before.

there is a church in the community that only meets on Sunday nights. It's called Nexus Community Church and it's purpose is to provide an opportunity to praise, dig into the word, and have fellowship with one another for those who are not comfortable being in a traditional church service. It isn't that i'm uncomfortable in a traditional service, but i don't think that God called His bride to wear starched dresses and panty hose, sit up straight, and sing strictly out of the hymnal either. The Baptist Student Ministry director's husband is the pastor there so i went to visit last night. I walked in and immediately realized the diversity of the congregation. There were quite a few college students and even several professors but the majority of the group were poverty stricken people. People that i have seen walking on the street or sitting on the porches of government housing.

and it was like my insides finally decided to acknowledge something that i should have known a long time ago, and that is that fellowship is not meant for just me. or just you. or just anyone. its a GIVE and take. doing life with the people in your congregation is not just about getting fed, getting loved on, getting heard, laughing at jokes and feeling the burdens crumble. it IS that- but its also providing that for someone else. being the one that feeds, that loves, that LISTENS, that tells the joke and offers the shoulder or even the arms for someone to collapse into with grief or exhaustion, with an overload of fear or uncertainty. fellowship is both ways.

i can't roam around town saying to myself, "now who is most likely to encourage ME and get ME through the tough times?" i need to be seeking out a place to serve, to find a group of hurting people where the ministry is spread thin and apply myself. i want to be the one that the teenage mother calls when she needs a ride. or the one that the jr. high girls from the government housing love to laugh with. i want to give. i am constantly in prayer that God would plant a servant's heart in me. one that isn't the least bit shaken by an intensely lost life or a completely broken heart hesitant to trust, to confide.

some hours of my day i can feel myself retracting from the lack of stimulus in the town. no coffee shops or vegan restaurants. no lounging areas on campus. i'm definitely experiencing small town shock. but i think i am realizing that throwing myself into fellowship(the GIVE and the receive), digging into the word with a small group, and sacrificing my time and efforts for the less fortunate(the majority of the population in Brownwood) is what is going to be me ultimate reward and solace.

i want to get used to working hard for the kingdom and tasting the burdens of others.

i want to learn to love unconditionally- with eyes untainted by imperfect human judgement.

i want to continue to grow into the shoes of the watchmen of compassion that God has for me. i want to experience pure and true selflessness. i want to be a delightful daughter. a prayer warrior and a tiny child that knows nothing but to give over control.

my existence right now is shining. i have found nourishing fellowship. a group of people who love to serve and love to read the Word for absolute, unbending truth- not for "interpretation". my campus is green and leafy. small and personal. my room is comfortable and secluded.

i have no reason to worry about petty things in my life the nag and nag. i will not let the enemy pick and pick at my focus until my eyes come unglued from my Creator and my Scheduler. the One who holds my plans and speaks peace over them. i need to uncurl my fists and hand him my planner, yield control.

i get so caught up in my sticky notes packed with errands and tasks and things that i need to pay for. the hilarious thing is that i have peace. it came with my eternity package. i just have this tendency to believe that everything to be done has to be done on my watch, by my strength. and then i lose sight and feeling of the peace because i'm so focused on obtaining it on my own.

Jesus is first. He created me for HIMSELF(Colossians 1:16) and He wants me to succeed in HIM.- not try and try and try to succeed on my own. because ultimate success won't happen by worldly means. i was never meant to live outside of His strength. so when i try- why is it always surprising that no good comes of it?

it will be a conscious effort this week to surrender. i need to work on embracing my weakness.

purely calming weather this week. chilly, rainy, dark. i love it.

involved!

back to school after the Labor Day weekend and what a lovely weekend it was- complete with discovering that i'm anemic and leaving my piano book at the house(which is being shipped to me as we speak). So considering my new situation, i am now taking three different herbal vitamins daily(that make me incredibly nauseous) and comprising a list of foods that i'm to give to the cafeteria for them to have ready for me. that's definitely something i'm pray-living through. just asking to be given a supernatural ability to make it through the day- nauseous, exhausted, bruised and all.

i am faring pretty well in all of my classes right now except music theory. it's so difficult to me. it's like trying to become fluent in a foreign language and then learn to..i don't know..rap in the same day or something. it's rough.

a blessing has come through BSM drama. i have no experience. i have no passion for drama. but i went to the opening meeting and i met a great group. i'm pretty stoked about being a part of it this year. this year has no limitations for me, which is why i'm trying things i've never thought about before. like drama, and pottery! there is a ministry called Empty Bowls that the BSM art ministry(which i'm also involved in) is putting on and we make 500 ceramic bowls and then serve soup to people in the bowls. they pay a donation to the charity and keep the bowl. so i'm going to get to try my hand at throwing pottery. riveting. i think this semester will be a chance for me to use a blessing to be a blessing.

a deep breath weekend.

i went home to Weatherford on Friday after our choir retreat. i'm honestly enjoying college but i was desperately wanting to go home for a while. when the retreat was over, i couldn't pack up my things and get on the road fast enough.

i had an awesome dinner with my sister last night when i came in and then we went shopping until fairly late. it feels so good to be home and safe with my dad.

i'm practicing my piano and getting consistently better at it. i think it's really going to help me learn and memorize the notes and intervals on both staffs.

i am trying to learn to quit moving so fast in my head. it's pretty hard. i overthink pretty much everything that i do. and it usually morphs into me doing unnecessary things that just add stress and take away down time in my day. i'm just thankful that the first step is realizing and admitting that weakness and now i'm set up for success.

going to enjoy the next couple of days in town and then head back out to HPU.