a light on fellowship. one i didn't notice before.

there is a church in the community that only meets on Sunday nights. It's called Nexus Community Church and it's purpose is to provide an opportunity to praise, dig into the word, and have fellowship with one another for those who are not comfortable being in a traditional church service. It isn't that i'm uncomfortable in a traditional service, but i don't think that God called His bride to wear starched dresses and panty hose, sit up straight, and sing strictly out of the hymnal either. The Baptist Student Ministry director's husband is the pastor there so i went to visit last night. I walked in and immediately realized the diversity of the congregation. There were quite a few college students and even several professors but the majority of the group were poverty stricken people. People that i have seen walking on the street or sitting on the porches of government housing.

and it was like my insides finally decided to acknowledge something that i should have known a long time ago, and that is that fellowship is not meant for just me. or just you. or just anyone. its a GIVE and take. doing life with the people in your congregation is not just about getting fed, getting loved on, getting heard, laughing at jokes and feeling the burdens crumble. it IS that- but its also providing that for someone else. being the one that feeds, that loves, that LISTENS, that tells the joke and offers the shoulder or even the arms for someone to collapse into with grief or exhaustion, with an overload of fear or uncertainty. fellowship is both ways.

i can't roam around town saying to myself, "now who is most likely to encourage ME and get ME through the tough times?" i need to be seeking out a place to serve, to find a group of hurting people where the ministry is spread thin and apply myself. i want to be the one that the teenage mother calls when she needs a ride. or the one that the jr. high girls from the government housing love to laugh with. i want to give. i am constantly in prayer that God would plant a servant's heart in me. one that isn't the least bit shaken by an intensely lost life or a completely broken heart hesitant to trust, to confide.

some hours of my day i can feel myself retracting from the lack of stimulus in the town. no coffee shops or vegan restaurants. no lounging areas on campus. i'm definitely experiencing small town shock. but i think i am realizing that throwing myself into fellowship(the GIVE and the receive), digging into the word with a small group, and sacrificing my time and efforts for the less fortunate(the majority of the population in Brownwood) is what is going to be me ultimate reward and solace.

i want to get used to working hard for the kingdom and tasting the burdens of others.

i want to learn to love unconditionally- with eyes untainted by imperfect human judgement.

i want to continue to grow into the shoes of the watchmen of compassion that God has for me. i want to experience pure and true selflessness. i want to be a delightful daughter. a prayer warrior and a tiny child that knows nothing but to give over control.