return.

new year.

new home.

new school.

new major.

new vision.

new hope.

I apologize to anyone that reads this blog for my very spotty and inconsistent posts. There is a heightened sense of perfectionism and awareness of scrutiny that comes with maintaining a blog meant for the public to read. I always feel as if i have to have it all together and make it sound good. When in reality, my life isn't all together and sometimes looks and sounds quite ugly. So why should i try to make what i write look like what my life isn't? I suppose that if i don't have the time to go over my writing and make sure that it doesn't offend anyone of the grammatically perfect persuasion, then i should post whatever it is that i have, run-on sentences and all- because it is my life's reality at that moment, and my personal authenticity for all to see.

I have changed my major from vocal performance to environmental sustainability. I have left Howard Payne University. I have moved to Mesquite for the rest of the year. I am looking for a new college that offers my new major. I need a job. I am taking photography and algebra this semester at the local community college. I am hoping to better understand my minolta and to open the box of beautiful possibilities that is my 1984 Canon. I am hoping that i learn a lot this semester. Not only academically, but also spiritually- within myself. Learning myself. Learning the next step God wants me to take. I want to learn to look my imperfections in the face instead of attempt to bury them under layers of avoidance and layers of ignorance. I want to grow. I want to travel.

Right now, i am in dallas at Crooked Tree, looking over the list of places i am about to hit up for a job. I need one. bad. I have faith that God will provide for me. but quite honestly, it is not a calm faith. I need a calm faith. one that has confidence that my Sustainer is in perfect, flawless control of my life and He has my steps laid out for me to take. He just hasn't revealed the job step to me yet. I will continue in my diligence and have faith that my Father will honor and reward that.

I feel as though my life is constantly visited by change. I love that. But i need to learn to work with it as well.